Performance Improvement Plan
Standard-Issue Edition
- EMPLOYEE:
- The Ex (Generic Edition)
- POSITION:
- Ex (probationary, unpaid, emotionally)
- MANAGER:
- Management (a literal princess)
- DURATION:
- 30 days, or until he learns to communicate
§1 — Summary of Concerns
It has come to Management's attention that The Ex (Generic Edition)'s performance has fallen catastrophically below expectations. Despite multiple verbal warnings (crying in the car), he has failed to deliver the bare minimum. The following incidents have been documented, screenshotted, and sent to the group chat:
- ✗Replied 'k' to a three-paragraph text
- ✗Watched my story within 4 seconds but didn't text
- ✗Said 'I'm not good at relationships' like it's a personality
- ✗Liked a 2019 photo of someone named Brittany
- ✗Forgot my birthday but remembered a fantasy football draft
§2 — Key Performance Indicators
| Metric | Target | Current |
|---|---|---|
| Text response time | < 15 min | 4–6 business days |
| Unprompted compliments / week | ≥ 7 | 0 (once said 'nice shoes' to a dog) |
| Flowers delivered | Monthly, minimum | Once. Gas station. Still had price tag. |
| Door-opening rate | 100% | Let it close on me. Twice. |
| Times said 'you're right' | Daily | Error 404 |
| Snacks provided without asking | Always | Ate my fries. All of them. |
§3 — Required Princess Treatment Protocols
- 01Carry the bags. All bags. Including the metaphorical ones.
- 02Say 'text me when you get home' and actually wait up for the text.
- 03Know my coffee order. Recite it under oath.
- 04Hype me in the group chat. Screenshots will be audited.
- 05Take the photo, then take 47 more from a lower angle.
- 06Plan the date. 'Idk what do you wanna do' is grounds for termination.
- 07Remember the name of my coworker I hate. Hate her too.
- 08Apologize with specifics. 'Sorry you feel that way' is not legal tender.
§4 — 30-Day Milestones
- Week 1: Return the hoodie. Washed. Folded. With a handwritten note.
- Week 2: Retire 'lol' as a response to feelings.
- Week 3: Unprompted public acknowledgement that Management was right.
- Week 4: Final review. Bring snacks. Wear the good cologne/perfume.
§5 — Consequences of Non-Compliance
Failure to meet the above will result in: Permanent block on all platforms, a tasteful glow-up photo dump, and reassignment to 'someone I used to know' in all future storytimes.
Management (a literal princess)
Manager signature
x______________
Employee (sign or be blocked)
This document is legally binding in the court of the group chat. Not actual HR. Please do not actually send this to your ex. (Or do. We're not your mom.)